Disclaimer: This article is published in the satire section of the charlatan, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Climate change-induced depression reported among environmental science students at Carleton University was completely cured after campus therapy dogs were replaced with local groundhogs.
At around 6:45 a.m. on May 3, authorities were seen removing all of the Carleton Technology and Training Center’s therapy dogs from cages and using powerful vacuum cleaners to extract groundhogs from nearby burrows.
An environmental science student, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being expelled for illegally possessing several marmots, said all of his symptoms of depression had ‘miraculously disappeared’ following his exposure to the creatures at fur during his last therapy sessions.
“I feel so much better after playing with these big marmots for my entire two-hour session,” he said.
Registered psychologist Elizabeth Hogsback, a member of the health and counseling team and born on Groundhog Day, was just as surprised by the results as she was by her new little furry colleagues.
“I guess the science was wrong all along – well-trained therapy dogs have nothing on these adorable earth beavers and we’re stupid and wrong we didn’t realize it sooner,” Hogsback said.
“That being said, I walked into my office on Wednesday to the sound of creaking and breaking glass,” she added. “I turned on the lights to see that several marmots had made their home there and enjoyed my goldfish for breakfast.”
Featured photo by Nisita Ratnasari